Last Thursday

 It was a Thursday I can recall, still so fresh in mind.

When I thought everything will be as usual, I was wrong. The semester 1 results has came out the night before, as I was too reluctant to check it right after it has been released, I checked my results in the morning instead. The shocking news ever when I came back from a morning bath before heading to lecture. My roommate helped me to check my results, every second my heart, my hands, my whole body was trembling while my result's pdf file is downloading. I can't even open the file myself, I was too nervous that I have to seek help from my roommate to help me open it. The moment that has totally ruined my whole week's mood. Yes, my results wasn't as expected at all. Though I passed all of em, none of em were as good as I expect them to be. FAILURE.

Well, my mood wasn't that bad before I headed to the first lecture. During the first lecture, everyone was curious about other people's score. That was the time when I think I am a total fail, useless student. My friends got their expected results, those were flying results. Depressed, really depressed the moment I knew all my other friends got such great result. Such depression literally filled me and increased by the minute till I finally broke down on the second lecture. Every time I think of how much effort I paid, how supportive my parents were, sending me here and there trying their very best to support me, and yet, thats the result I gained. That moment I finally can't stand any more pressure, I cried. It was in the lecture, I tried, so hard to compress all my feelings but I can't withstand that depression anymore. Its like, piles of bad feelings pushing towards you, you can't even breathe, and tears fall unintentionally while you are gasping for relieve. It lasts for about half an hour, my head were full of very bad thoughts. Here comes a message from a friend, saying let bygones be bygones, try harder the next sem. She saw me supposedly.  I guess most of the people feel the same, it's easy to say, no worries try harder next sem. But after you fell a thousand feet, is it that easy to stand up and walk futher again? No. It takes time. Time heals.

The moment I stepped out the lecture hall, mok came towards me, trying to motivate me in a 'guys' way. You know, guys kind of conversation, never those kind of polite, gentle kind of conversation. I replied, ' I'm okay'. But am I really okay? I don't know. It's just like you doesn't belong to be here but you try, so hard just to fit into the circle. That feeling sucks, seriously.

Confident I've accumulated for 3 months just ruined in a morning, just like that.


Siew Hzien Hung
18015
Chemical Engineering